After careful consideration and long debate, I've come to the conclusion that some time recently, when I wasn't looking, the world went completely insane. I can understand. Honestly, I'd go nuts if I'd been around for three or four billion years myself. (Here comes the mail from the creationists.)

Of course, Mother Earth can't exactly stick her fingers in her ears and go "aggle aggle woogy," so she manifests her loss of sanity through the behavior of the nutty bipedal creatures who cover her surface with their structures and fast-food wrappers.

Do I have evidence? Settle into your armchair and read on, fellow biped. It ain't pretty, but then again neither are most of us.

Proof 1: Michael Moore

I'm prepared to be denounced as anything from an elitist tool to tragically unhip, but I simply don't see how, in a sane world, a loudmouthed semi-literary thug like Moore makes enough off his scribblings to keep him in Big Macs. He's taken screeching to new heights, and plays fast and loose with facts to prove his alleged points.

His behavior at the Oscars ceremony was beyond the pale. Where's a bucket of rotten fruit when you need it? In the '70s, we got streakers on stage, and David Niven trying to keep a poker face. In the 2000s, we get this bumbling hack inflicting his views on a captive audience. Clearly, something has gone badly wrong in the ether.

Proof 2: Celine Dion

Welcome to the world of the Woman Who Will Not Go Away. She's retired! She's not! She's in Vegas! She's everywhere!

Worst of all, she's advertising for Chrysler. Now, in the past few years, Chrysler has done a pretty good job of bringing out some nifty vehicles. The PT Cruiser is at the top of my wife's shopping list, and the Plymouth Prowler is the sort of car that makes me and my fellow burger-munching American males stand stock-still while drool winds down our chins.

The most frightening idea comes from a look at Chrysler's family tree. They also own Dodge, and I've been a proud Ram driver for years. Should I flick on my TV some night and see the Caterwauling Canadian belting out some ear-shattering ditty while a helpless kid cringes in a car seat, I'll have to go with Ford.

Proof 3: The Whole 'French' Thing

We've got "Freedom" fries now, wine going in the gutter, and French's mustard having to issue press releases reminding people "Hey! We're American!" This has got to stop.

Those of you who've read this column for any amount of time know that the French and their peccadilloes are one of my favorite targets for fun-poking and mockery, but the current anti-French sentiment I'm seeing has taken a decidedly nasty turn.

In California, a Lebanese man who opened a dry cleaning chain and named it "French Cleaners" has had his stores vandalized and graffitied. Customers have spit on checks and passers-by routinely make obscene gestures through the windows.

This is not what we're about, people. This kind of mindless, stupid bigotry does nothing but make us look a bunch of thugs.

You want to hate the French? Fine. I'm not going to tell you how to feel. But please don't make a complete ass of yourself and your fellow Americans in the process.

Proof 4: The Dixie Chicks

Natalie Maines, darlin', you sure do know how to get that foot in your mouth down to the knee, don't you? Your ill-advised crack about President Bush hasn't played well among the generally conservative country music audience, and your apology got about as much airplay as your songs have lately.

Besides, any REAL Texan knows that George isn't one of them. He's an import.

That said, the contribution of the Chicks to the world of music deserves better. "Goodbye, Earl" is one of the greatest music videos ever, and their song "Travelin' Soldier" has particular relevance in today's world. For more on that, check out my pal Barb Besteni's article.

Proof 5: Where's Dave?

Now, in our darkest hour, when we truly need our nation's comedy leaders out front and representing us, David Letterman is sidelined with a case of shingles, a painful and disfiguring ailment related to chicken pox. I strongly suspect bioterrorism. The coincidence is just too great.

The list of guest hosts has ranged from great (Bruce Willis and Paul Shaffer) to cringe-inducing (Megan Mulally), but what we truly need is Our Dave. Jay Leno has been his usual idiotic, sophomoric self and Conan O'Brien was last funny ... well, OK, he's NEVER been funny. "The Daily Show" is verging on brilliant, but those without basic cable are denied the wonder of Jon Stewart and his cast of trained monkeys.

Get well soon, Dave! Your public needs you, scars and all!

So, what's weird in your world? As ever, I look forward to all letters, screeds, speeches or professions of undying love. Just drop me a line anytime!

• March 21, 2003: Readers Rule The Roost
• March 14, 2003: Gimme Some MOAB Of That
• March 7, 2003: No Business Like Snow Business
• Feb. 21, 2003: What Is Weird?
• Feb. 14, 2003: Let's Get Dudical
• Feb. 7, 2003: Going On Suburban Safari
• Jan 31, 2003: Clone On The Range
• Jan 17, 2003: The Kokomo Hum Crescendoes
• Jan. 10, 2003: Humming Along With Kokomo