I know you're all going to miss me. It's been a fun few years, but I've got to follow my dreams.

With the recall in California, and the dearth of high-profile candidates seeking to fill Gray Davis' job should the public decide to give him his walking papers, now is the time for me to begin my ascendance toward my eventual post as Emperor of the Known Universe.

California's the perfect place to start building my galactic empire, since half the state's from another planet anyway.

Like any good political strategist, I first have to check out my opposition. Who am I going to have to beat to take the top job?

Schwarzenegger: OK, so maybe he's got a LITTLE more name recognition than I do, being able to get by with only using one and all, but I predict his gubernatorial bid will be derailed when, during an outdoor rally, a sudden rainstorm causes his personality circuitry to short out and he rampages through the crowd in search of Sarah Connor.

Gallagher: According to noted humor scientists, sledgehammer-swinging comic Gallagher was last funny in 1986, when I saw him in person in Beaumont, Texas. The problem? His material has not changed since that performance. Even though he is yet another single-named candidate, the fact that he thinks he's running against Jerry Brown will hamper his campaign.

Darrel Issa: OK, he's got roughly a zillion dollars in his war chest, he's the man who started the whole recall movement, and he's got a last name just made for mass hissing at political rallies. He would seem to be a formidable candidate.

There's just one tiny problem. He made his fortune selling car alarms. During a debate, all I'll have to do is play the sound of a car door slamming near him and he'll launch into a barrage of hoots, whoops and buzzes, effectively destroying his credibility.

Richard Riordan: The former Los Angeles mayor was predicted to be one of the front-runners before Schwarzenegger entered the race. Honestly, though, the man's the former mayor of the looniest city on the planet. It's obvious he's just running out of habit. I'm sure the kindhearted electorate in California will see his bid as the desperate plea for help it is and elect him to therapy, not the governor's mansion.

Gary Coleman: While there's no arguing that Gary kicks my tail in the "cute" department, I just can't see the voters taking seriously a man who starred in productions such as "The Flunky," and "The Curse of Monkey Island."

Of course, Ronald Reagan co-starred with Bonzo. Hmm. I'll have to check into that angle a bit more closely.

Larry Flynt: While I'm sure his pledge of an adult toy box for every California adult will get him the trench coat vote, his plan to expand gambling in California will annoy some large gentlemen in Las Vegas. It's bad to annoy large gentlemen from Las Vegas. Ever seen "The Godfather II?"

Angelyne: This actress-model is known mostly for plastering her insanely buxom presence on billboards around the Los Angeles area. She's running on a platform of "pink honesty," saying that California has had enough Gray and Brown. She pledges to improve roads, saying that excessive roadwork has damaged her pink Corvette.

While her goals are laudable, her bid is doomed to fail. Any husband caught voting for her by his wife will be consigned to the doghouse, thus aggravating the already-overloaded housing situation in the Golden State.

Mark Mishkin: On the surface, this 30-year-old history teacher would appear to be the sort of candidate that the American Dream was built around. He's a bowtie-wearing straight shooter whose parents and doctor volunteer on his campaign. He's running to give his students an up-close and personal look at the democratic process.

And that's EXACTLY why he shouldn't be elected. This man is obviously a dedicated teacher whose every thought is centered on enriching the educational experience for his students. We can't afford to lose him from the classroom.

The 99-Cent Store Candidate: A chain of 99-cent stores in California has offered to pay the filing fee for a 99-year-old candidate wishing to enter the race. They don't have one in mind, they're just making the offer. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that they're not aiming for quality here, just any old duffer who'll be willing to mention their name plenty in the inevitable "fluff news" stories that will stem from the candidacy. For less than the price of a 30-second commercial on a late-night, small-market cable show, they'll get exposure on every newscast in every market. Holy free advertising, Batman!

In fact, that gives me a marvelous idea for how to finance my own campaign. What do you think of when you think of California? That's right, doughnuts. They just go together. I'll set off a bidding war among all the doughnut chains and independent bakeries in the state, with the winner getting the coveted title of "official" doughnut of California. Just imagine the sales! There are thousands of police officers in the Greater Los Angeles area alone.

I know I can count on your support, faithful readers. If you don't already live in California, please move there immediately. I plan to find a small apartment to rent to establish residency, or I'll be happy to crash on the couch of any insanely wealthy famous person who might wish to host me.

Urban Legend Of The Week

It was almost an Urban Legend made flesh recently in New York's Bryant Park, when a trained hawk stooped and targeted a Chihuahua. The pooch was scraped by one of the bird's talons, but not carried off to become lunch.

This bore an eerie similarity to "The Pet Nabber," chronicled by Urban Legend authority Jan Harold Brunvand:

A small pet -- often a Chihuahua, a miniature dachshund, or a toy poodle and usually belonging to tourists -- is snatched by a large bird, generally an eagle, an owl, or a pelican. Such things do happen, although the more likely predators on pets in many regions might be coyotes.

It's not just an American phenomenon, unfortunately for a small dachsund in Halland, Sweden, that was carried off by a golden eagle earlier this year.

For more information on this and hundreds of other Urban Legends, check out my guru David Emery's Urban Legends site on About.com by clicking here.

I welcome your comments, complaints, stories and professions of undying love. Large cash grants are also accepted. Just click here, type and send.

• Aug. 1, 2003: Weird On Ice
• July 25, 2003: Enough, Already!
• July 18, 2003: Weirding The Storm Out
• July 11, 2003: Britney, How Could You?
• June 27, 2003: Fuzzy Menace II: The Rogue's Gallery
• June 20, 2003: They're On My List
• June 13, 2003: Blunting The Spike
• June 6, 2003: Beached By The Pool
• May 30, 2003: The Fuzzy Menace