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Military Man Wants To Save Marriage

Distance From Wife, Daughter Takes Toll

DoubleTake advice column
    Dear DoubleTake,

    My wife and I are a young couple. We were high school sweethearts and have been with each other more than three years and married about a year and a half.

    I am in the military, currently stationed at Camp Lejeune, N.C. She is in college in Pittsburgh and is unable to move around with me, so we spend very little time with each other.

    We have a beautiful 1-year-old daughter who I rarely see.

    The distance in our marriage takes a toll on us and exaggerates every problem that we have.

    She wants to get a divorce and I, obviously, do not.

    I have not heard her voice in more than two months, and that is completely depressing. What steps can I possibly take to prevent a divorce?

EDDIE SAYS:

Before you decide what you can do to keep things together, you need to get a little intel on your wife. Is she willing, at all, to consider making it work.

The only way to find that out is to check with her. And it means getting out from behind cover and just saying, "Look, I know this is hard, but I want it to work. Are you willing to do that with me?"

If she is, you can start making a tactical plan for how to go about it. Maybe she'll need to transfer somewhere near you, maybe just a promise that you won't re-up will do the trick.

But before you know the goal of your mission, you can't start planning the logistics.

BETTY SAYS:

Since there are so many families in your long-distance situation, find out if there are resources in the military available to your wife if she decides to give your relationship another go. Colleges have counselors, so she can see ones there, if she'd like, but it would be good to find out if there are specialized military counselors nearby -- or available by phone -- who can talk to her for free.

The best you can do is contact her as much as possible. Carve out time daily for calls, texts and e-mails -- show that you are thinking of her and your daughter. It's unfortunate if she won't respond to your calls, but at least you would be trying.

Think of this setback as a romantic film. You're not going to give up on your marriage, right? So keep wooing your wife.

Ultimately, your wife may have realized that she needs something more. Ask her what's missing from her life, besides you. Going from high school to college is a big transformation; it opens up your mind to other ideals and paths, and perhaps she's afraid to tell you that she's thinking about her own future.

That doesn't necessarily mean that your marriage is doomed, but counseling can help unravel the knots.

  • Disagree With Double Take? Offer Your Own Advice

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    E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

    To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Betty offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

    Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.     Double Take Archive:
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